Almost the Guy – part 1


First, I must say, that the conversation that gave birth to this piece brought tears of laughter to my eyes. You may or may not be amused by it, it is subject to your sense of humor and probably what kind of day you had. I certainly hope that you had a good one.

Before I get started on the qualities that we 20 to 30 some things want in the MR RIGHT we would love to have and to hold, as it were, I wish to bring your attention to the general repugnance with which many ladies in Nairobi sometimes view the members of the male species available to us.

We are constantly compromising and settling for less than what we want, forced by circumstances and, for lack of a better way of putting it, ‘limited market variety’ to settle for Mr. Almost Right. Those of us who dare to refuse to compromise on the qualities we desire most in a partner are labeled ‘choosy’, ‘anti-men”, ‘picky-man-haters’ ‘lesbos’ and are usually doomed to live out the rest of our adult lives as ‘spinsters’ by the rest of the society.

Why it is that people are still talking about a thirty something lady who has shined herself a pretty penny and is in no obviously ‘steady’ relationship like she’s a freak of nature? It perplexes me to no end, but that is neither here nor there.

By no means is this meant to take on a men bashing, feminist tone (I am not a feminist, not by a long shot). Maybe, as a little reminder to the chaps who have chanced by this, (perhaps after following the link at someone’s status update on Facebook) and those ardent fans of AllWoman who secretly read Big Mama’s posts chini ya duvet, about the things that made you almost the guy.

For whom, you might wonder. Well, first, for the one lady you claim to be ‘the one that got away’, for the lady who you almost got to know better before you shot yourself in the metaphorical foot, and then maybe for the babe you got royally pissed off because you treated her worse than a Thai call girl.

The jury is in… ……………Lokimak Q Kazoo, Kendi Aujourd’hui and Cat Deluney

All rise;           Judge Judy Presiding. (Yes, my first name is Judith)

„Men of Nairobi (married but available – MBAs, married bachelors, eligible bachelors, boyfriends at large, rookies)

………………………………………..Please rise………………………………………………….

In this first part of your sentencing to an eternity of being associated with the members of the canine species, commonly referred to as dogs, I wish to highlight those redeeming qualities that enable us to love and cherish you. At the same time, take note of those offenses that have motivated many a woman to liken your existence to excretory orifices; offenses that should never be repeated.

We love men who are attractive. A man who clearly is aware of his appearance, and spends the odd hour per week in the gym putting that beer gut back where it came from. Personally, I love me a brother who had his swagger on full tilt. A man who is athletic (and isn’t overly absorbed in sports); who is sharp witted, charming, humorous, cultured, adventurous, and who is comfortable in his own space. Some one who is focused on his career goals, who finds importance in of self discovery, and who isn’t afraid to occasionally fall down. A man who has no problem engaging in conversation on almost any topic; from blenders and rubber bands to debates on material culture and world history.

Women definitely are attracted a man who has a liking for the arts, one who is confident in himself without being arrogant or conceited, who gives as good as he gets, and who is respectful and kind. The last thing you want to do is be disrespectful to anyone in a lady’s presence. That alone will cost you a billion brownie points in exactly 00.01 seconds.

You might also have to be tall, but your awesome personality usually makes up for what nature denied you in height. So my short brothers, chuck that short man complex and swagger on.

You are judged by the company you keep, unfortunately. If you are known to associate with dodgy characters, it stands to reason that you must be dodgy as well. If you have a reputation of being a ‘Ladies’ man’ (I think whoever came up with that term should be punished most painfully), no self respecting woman will give you the time of day; especially if you have an even more regrettable reputation of being abusive. Heavens forbid if you are part a ‘wolf pack’. (Can I get an Amen! from the sisters who’ve been through this one!).

Never ever cheat on your woman, and worse still get caught cheating. This most insulting of transgression has been talked about since before I was born, so if you haven’t cottoned on to the loathsome nature of it, Lord help you, you shall never get it.

It always amuses me to no end when a male friend comes to me for advice on how to deal with his girlfriends. Dating one woman should be challenge enough, but no, they have to go and do multiples. When offered a sandwich, don’t take the whole kitchen, pick on woman, and love that woman. Pay no attention with this nonsense talk of men are polygamous by nature. Before mankind evolved into a patriarchal society, women were in charge and we practiced monogamy just fine. Follow the set example.

Ever watched the show called JackAss on DsTV? Never, and if you have, never confess at any one time to having done the things those boys do on that show. Other than you being a jackass, you’ll be the stupid jackass that didn’t get paid for being a jackass!!

Brush up on those pick up lines. Lines like “I’m not usually this short, but I’ve still got my wallet”; or “I’m sorry, did you just fart? You just took my breath away.” will get you;

A)   Ignored

B)     Punched in the face

C)   Splashed with her drink, literally

D)    -Laid in maybe the next quarter century, probably by a walrus.

Women love it when a man pays due attention to her in the courtship period. The occasional phone call in the middle of the day, the random unexpected message showing how much you appreciate her, the occasional surprise treats. Even being courteous is a major plus. Opening doors, chewing with your mouth closed, being courteous to other people when you’re out together, helping with clearing up the dishes…the list of things you can do right is endless.

Treat that woman right. Some unfortunate chaps are of the opinion that the idea of a weekend plan with this new chick they’re trying to impress is to take her to a nyama choma local, with your boys, and then proceed to spend most of your time talking on your new Blackberry. No one likes to be treated like an acquisition, or as an ornament. And definitely not as a pastime. This is however subject to a prior mutual agreement.

Juror’s special mention; It does not matter how much money you make, if you do not have the maturity to treat others with respect. Bouncing in and out of a woman’s life like a yoyo is unacceptable.  If you don’t like her, give the poor lass her marching orders. If however she insists on staying after being explicitly told to back off, well, have at it as you like.

Never shall you ever, in this life or the next, for any reason, sit uninvited at a table full of women, looking unkempt and gross, and then proceed to laugh and contribute arbitrarily and in  a vulgar manner to conversations you are not privy  to, and then put on a forced accent when someone not of color (read white) joins the group.  *Philippine is not pronounced ‘Pirifino’, and no one really wants to know how far your state of shaoness runs.

Don’t be petulant if she doesn’t return your calls, don’t over exaggerate your prowess when you know she might giggle in utter astonishment later on, and most definitely do not be obnoxious. Always be wary of having too much sugar on your tongue.

Do be yourself, be social, courteous and charming and keep your word. How hard can that be?

*Nons, Kendi and Cat, you made my day!

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7 thoughts on “Almost the Guy – part 1”

  1. Mutembei said:

    Damn you have your way with words…you should seriously consider a career of words for Money.
    I agree with you on every topic though its hard to imagine a guy who can sit in front of this judge and jury and get less than a flogging…..
    I’d like to see you write from a perspective of a Guy writing about the ladies we would like to have it takes 2 for all this……

  2. Insightful…well thought out, but an aspect of women I have never gotten an answer on…what makes those mamas who decide to take care of their men regardless of his circumstance (broke abusive ass) tic?

    • I think its mostly out of fear.
      Fear of changing your lifestyle/ supporting yourself where the abusive partner is the sole breadwinner, or fear of becoming an even greater laughing stock in society and of course…the children. I also think its because some women suffer from identity crises/low self esteem issues, so they can even motivate themselves to leave their abusive partner…
      What do you think?

  3. Hi right to the point……but on the other side in the proceedings the offensive guy wa not represented!

  4. Insightful u r,albeit the inclination.the better part of the picture u painted is of an angel, though.plus u donna wanna-be a feminist?! Yes u r.

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